Tyeshia thank you for being interested in sharing your story of healing with me. This was emotional for both of us but we did it! You are an amazing woman and I believe you will make it to complete all the goals you have for yourself in this life.
Jodie, if there are angels looking down on my life right now, they been watching this damn Tyeisha show for almost 38 seasons. I'm sure they have laughed, cried, been angry with me & probably even wanted to intervene to help me but couldn't due to whatever circumstances there are in the Cosmo's.
I imagine they are watching this 38th season eyes glued to the hole in the sky that they watch me through. I see them on their air couches with their soft blankets and fluffy pillows just waiting to see what happens next. Welp I'm right there with them because a lot of the time I'm living in an outer body experience anyway! I'm always saying that I wish I had a microscope so I can look closer at somethings on my body, like my scabs when something is healing and it peels off a little bit, or the seed / puss that comes out when I pop a pimple.
I know sounds kinda nasty but I want to be able to look at things that concern my body more deeply. I feel the same about the things going on within. I forgot what I was watching but a guy said; listen, I make bad decisions, I don't know why, I guess that's what I do. As crazy as it sounds I felt that. For whatever reason I pulled out my inner microscope and took a good look at my life up to this point and I saw a great deal of bad decisions that led to some pretty dumb situations. I think the one I'm in now is one too because when knowing the details I don't think anyone would've put themselves in this position. Only me, Nah maybe a couple of other wild decision making people would've done it too. We feel alone but in reality we're not. There are many others standing in the line marked dumb too.
Now I'm not coming at myself or talking shit about me I'm just stating facts. These are some hard truths but I believe they are truths nonetheless. It's not about right or wrong, it's about the fact that some things just are. I'm going to list what I saw through that inner microscope as it pertains to me making bad life decisions. Granted some I didn't know were mistakes until after the fact and some I now feel like I should've known. Red flags are real, we diminish the reality of them by making jokes and making lite of some situations. The first bad decision is pretty deep but I'm just going to go straight in.
I was being molested by my brothers father since I was about 6 years old that I remember. I feel I didn't know anything bad was happening to me because I didn't say anything until... My grandmother started making me watch these videos about no no spots and what to do if someone touches your's or asks you to touch theirs. I was about 12years old at the time. I guess she figured something was happening after having to whip my ass multiple times for sexually humping on things and getting caught. As an adult it's weird to think about because nothing kicked in until after those videos. After a molestation incident he said; now who are we gonna tell? I said nobody as I walked down the steps. Something kicked in my brain and I heard the voice from the video say; if some one tells you not to tell, you tell or something like that.
I ran home (around the corner) and told my Grandmother. Now I didn't know this was a mistake until the day we went to court. This man told the judge that I was asking for it and that I was flirting with him and throwing my developing body at him. I couldn't believe it, I wanted to scream but I didn't I just sat there in the court room teary eyed after I had to tell all the things that happened to me in a room full of strangers. It felt like nobody even flinched at the fact that I was fucking 12! They sentenced him to 4years probation and therapy. Meanwhile I was the only child removed from the house. The whole block knew and some people even thought that I had lied. Imagine that! Well the molestation didn't stop it was transferred to my younger sister, she was 10. She never told just ended up a hard lesbian. The only reason we know is because my brother found a naked polaroid picture of her at that age when he was cleaning the basement many years later.
Why was telling on him a bad decision you might be thinking, well I couldn't see my brothers for like two years and they lived around the damn corner! My grandmother didn't want them at her house because she said they were bad. Well they were lol it's two of them. They irritated the hell out of me but I loved my little brothers. Their little sister got molested after I left so I feel like it's my fault and I left her open for that to happen. Lastly there was no justice served and my mom treated him as if he did nothing wrong and when I confronted her about it the bitch had a nerve to tell me that it happened to her too so it can be a hard part of life for women. Mind you her abuser was her uncle and he is dead and been since I was born.
Ok ya'll we're going to move on, of course there are mad details left out and way more to the story but we must continue to travel inward. The next bad decision came years later in my freshman year of high school. My mother and Grandmother didn't want me to go to the neighborhood high school which was Simon Gratz in Nicetown. It's a part of Philadelphia, PA. I wanted to go because all my friends were going and I wanted to be with them. Boy was this a crazy decision. That school was wild, those teenagers were unhinged! I couldn't tell my mother and Grandmother they were right because what teenager does that.
I just started cutting school and by the time my report card came it was all W's. No grades just withdrawals because I was never in class and of course that led me to fail 9th grade. I got a second chance at a High school in West Philadelphia called University City High School. It's demolished now but my mother and grandmother felt it was a better school. It was, it was lit. I was a Cheerleader, on the newspaper club and I was in the creative & preforming arts charter. The flip side of this school situation was the fact that I really like UNI as we called it. The downside was that I lived in Nicetown which was closer to North Philadelphia than it was to West which was where all my new friends lived.
Not to mention the boy I was dating lived there too! We had a group that we formed and we used to cut school together because that was the only time we could really hang as a crew. It became a problem because the teachers started complaining that half the class was always missing from after lunch classes. The school called our parents and I was pointed out as the ring leader. Not to mention I got caught smoking weed somewhere around this time as well. My mother & Grandmother thought it best to take me out of school and send me to job corp in the Pocono Mountains.
Where going to leave this here for today we'll see ya'll for Bad Decisions part 2
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